by “Ann, you just don’t get it . . . . . you’ll never change!”
“What do you mean? We’ve always had these types of discussions before. It’s no big deal.”
“You’re not hearing me . . . . . it’s not working. I want out . . . . . we have to move on . . . . . I’m done!”
“Ohh come on now . . . . you’re just letting your brother’s divorce affect you . . . . we’ve been together long enough to know what to do . . . . . we don’t need a divorce. I love you, I do.”
“When will you learn, Ann . . . . . it’s not about love, it’s that I can’t live with you anymore . . . . . you fight with everyone, you alienate our tenants, our workers come to me and tell me how you shame them . . . . I can’t keep cleaning up the messes you make with all of your criticisms . . . . I’ve had it!”
Many of us of have had the experience whereby a friend, neighbor, or close family member approaches us with a story about their marital troubles. They are seeking advice, direction, perhaps even a shoulder to lean on or, simply for you to be a supportive sounding board. But what specific action can legitimately be offered? Although being a ‘good-listener’ is often helpful, what is needed is a specific action plan.
What would you recommend?
“He wasn’t coming home at the usual time . . . . . sometimes when he did come home, he said he needed to go back to the office. So one night I followed him. I found him at the picnic area and he was with a woman . . . . . I couldn’t believe it. I saw him kissing her and then I stormed over and yelled, ‘What are you doing?!’ I was so angry, I just left. What do I do now? We have three kids!”
Obviously, most everyone would recommend marriage counseling to explore what had gone wrong in this marriage. Why would one spouse ‘step out’ on the other? Usually marriage counseling can help but, what if only one partner is serious about such an approach? What if only one of the partners is truly invested in dealing with their problems and trying to make their marriage better?
What happens next?
“Do you want to go out to eat Saturday night?”
“No, I don’t think so. We can just eat here.”
“Well, we talked about starting to do things together . . . . . we haven’t gone out in months.”
“Well, that’s no big deal. Besides, the game is on this Saturday and I’m comfortable here.”
“You’re comfortable playing golf, doing your exercise, and talking about your practice. But what about me? What about us?”
“Well, what else do you want? We have the house you want, you play pickleball whenever and wherever you want, and you decided to retire. What’s so bad?”
“We have everything we want, the kids are doing fine . . . . . now is the time for us to do things together . . . . . if we’re not going to do things together, then why are we together?”
“Is that what you want . . . . . a divorce? . . . . . okay then, damn it! Split up everything up 50-50… is that what you want?!”
How can any of these people be helped? Especially when their beliefs about marriage, their future and fidelity have been shattered. The fighting and arguing will only continue if they do not change. Many couples will tend to ignore or bury such troubles which only causes them to drift further and further apart. Usually such ‘drift’ will lead to one or the other partner having an affair, developing an addictive habit, or developing some sort of mental health problem like depression.
There are alternatives.
What would I do? I would recommend the collaborative process. When couples sit down to discuss their life together with the aid of a neutral facilitator, and accompanied by the advice of their legal representative, they are in a better position to sort out their future. If divorce is inevitable, what better way to achieve that goal than to be able to ‘talk’ not fight, ‘plan’ not argue, and ‘share’ not manipulate so they can start to move on with life. In this way, they rid themselves of angry feelings and start to accept a new future.
The collaborative process is an avenue about working out the relationship such that, if marriage counseling is a preferred option or divorce is the inevitable result, the professional collaborative team will help any couple navigate these difficult times. This is especially due to the benefit of having a neutral, financial expert objectively analyze the couple’s assets and liabilities and thereby construct a viable financial settlement that is fair and equitable for both partners. This approach allows the parties to live comfortably into their new future.
Don’t let your friends, neighbors, or family members continue to suffer the pain like you have heard, or recognize in the real-life vignettes featured above. Contact a member of our collaborative team and take hold of your future!
